Speak Softly Love
We speak life into our children through praise and encouragement, but how often do we consider the things we say when not speaking to them directly? I was reading a collection of accounts from parents recently and I was taken aback by some of the things they’d observed. One mother in particular recounted an instance where she witnessed her 3 year old giving his food away to his younger brother. When she questioned him, his reply startled her. Without pause he answered “Well, you always tell everyone that he’s the good eater, so I gave him my food.”
As shocked as this mother was with how a seemingly innocuous statement was shaping her child’s notion of himself, she was also sobered by the realization of the impact of her own behavior. As parents we have to understand that even the most innocent of remarks will shape our children’s worldview. When we pass judgment on others or speak ill of them we are instructing our children to feel that way too. Through our words to others we are shaping the way in which they will engage with and present themselves to the world.
As a parent who is navigating the often daunting transition from baby to toddler I have given this subject a great deal of thought recently. And while we began to more seriously watch our language and that of the media we consume in front of a tiny human who now repeats everything that she hears, I have come to the conclusion that I still have a great deal more work to do.
I spent over 15 years as an educator before becoming a parent, witnessing first hand how our words can shape children. I can attest to having a deep understanding of the need to encourage, praise and motivate them with the things we say, but what I wasn’t prepared for is the difference in that interaction outside of a professional setting. As a teacher we would never discuss a student’s deficiencies in front of them, or even have very much negative to say at all. It’s not our place as educators to lay judgment on aspects of their personalities. But as parents we do this instinctually. We describe our own children as difficult, exhausting, crazy, messy, picky or even too much when discussing them with others; especially those we are closest to. We’ve all found ourselves on the phone or talking to our partner when a child exhibits one of these behaviors and in a moment of exasperation have said something off hand joking or not. But the problem is that children don’t understand that we are describing an instance rather than defining who they are.
A small child hears that they are difficult, or messy, that they are the picky one or that dealing with them can be impossible. They internalize the words that we use to describe them to others and shape their sense of self using the language we provide. Our words can shape their fears, their relationships with others and even what they imagine themselves capable of. So dear keepers of tiny humans, know that it is up to you to speak love into them and show compassion in all things. For you are the model they will emulate and the lead they will follow.